Tag Archives: antilove

Which witch?

“So what is it you wanted to talk about, Dennis?” Dana asked keenly from across the table.

Damn, Dennis thought to himself as he tried to find the right words.

“Umm yeah, so I was thinking,” he stumbled, before continuing reluctantly, “Maybe we aren’t right for each other.”

Dana leaned back in her seat, trying to take in what she’d just heard him say. Suddenly everything around her seemed infinitely more interesting as she tried desperately to turn her attention away – The big burly man seated behind Dennis, the waiter who just walked by, the soft music that was playing in the background. She resolved not to give him the satisfaction of seeing her cry.

“Go on,” she said as she steeled herself.

“It isn’t you, it’s me,” he paused, “Ok who am I kidding? It IS you!” he said frantically running his hand through his already dishevelled hair. “When we first started dating, your weirdness was alluring. Now it’s just… weird! I’m sorry. I’m sure there are a hundred guys out there who would be willing to date someone who believes she’s a witch. And I’m sure there are a lot more guys with fetishes for women who practice magic. All I’m saying is that I’m not one of those guys.”


“Dana, I can’t apologize enough for having to put you through this, but there was no other way. We can still be friends right?”

“You’re an ass.”

“Please Dana? Friends?”

“Alright,” she replied calmly.

This was easier than I thought. No tears, no emotional outburst, nothing. I guess this girl turned out to be really cool after all.

It was settled. Dana and Dennis remained friends, and a very relieved Dennis drove home that night. Tomorrow was his first day at his new job, so without giving Dana any further thought, he tucked himself into bed and fell asleep swiftly.


It was 9am when Dennis pulled over in the parking space allotted to him. He took out two boxes labelled ‘Office Stuff’ from the trunk of his car and made his way up to the third floor of his new office building. His day so far had the makings of a perfect day, but just before he walked into his cubicle, he had a sense of unease in the pit of his stomach. His qualms hadn’t gone away when he sat down in front of his computer after setting up his new workspace.

“Hey man! I hope everything’s going great. I’m Mark and my cubicle is right next to yours.”

“Oh hello there, Mark…” Dennis trailed off as he suddenly put a hand to his ear. His left ear felt as if someone had just twisted it. “It’s nice to meet you. Everything is going just… great.”

“Shout across if you need any help!” replied Mark cheerily.

Dennis sat back down in his chair, still cupping his ear. The pain had barely faded away when his seat felt wet. Looking down, he saw a dark stain spread between his legs. What on earth was happening?! He was busy trying to get the stain off with the help of some tissues when he felt as though someone had stuck needles up his – that’s right – arse.

There was only one explanation for all of this, he thought furiously, Dana! That crazy woman is quite capable of having made a voodoo doll of me or something along those lines. This is madness!

Bubbling with anger, he pulled out his cell phone and punched in her number.

“Dennis?” Dana answered doubtfully.

“Who else would it be, you twisted fiend?! You were expecting me to call, weren’t you?”

“Is this about the break up?”

“Maybe it is. You tell me.”

“Dennis, what is the meaning of this pointless conversation?”

“Pointless? Haha. You always have had a strange sense of humour. You just have to rub the word ‘pointless’ in my face right after sticking pointy needles up my voodoo doll’s arse, don’t you?!” he screamed belligerently into the phone.

“I didn’t break down and cry or react the way you wanted me to last night, so you chose to call and ridicule me and my beliefs?” she asked, as her temper gradually rose.

“You think I’m stupid, don’t you? I know exactly what you’re up to, so stop doing what you’re doing immediately!”

“Whatever,” she said as she hung up.

Where’s that stupid lucky charm when I need it? Realizing he must’ve left it in his car, he made his way down to the basement and popped open the trunk. He spotted a third smaller box that he’d forgotten to take upstairs with him that morning. When he turned it upside down and hastily emptied its contents, he found his favourite stuffed animal – Eeyore[1]. However, there was something very strange about it. A box of pins seemed to have opened up inside the third box, in a similar manner to the box of paperclips and the ink bottle, because Eeyore had pins stuck in his ass, had an inky wet crotch and had a paperclip on his left ear.

Maybe Dennis was an ass after all.

This was from the halloween weekend’s meeting. Only a couple months late.


Romeo, Juliet and The Universe

Romeo, Her Romeo turned to his Juliet
And the Universe, our Universe, held its breath
And for just a moment, galaxies contracted instead of expanding
“Juliet, my Juliet, I think (he gulped) I love you!”
“I love you too, Romeo, my Romeo.”
“No, I’m serious, Juliet, I love you. Get-married-and-live-together-for-the-rest-of-our-lives kind of love you.”
“No, you don’t. You love yourself. You love the idea of love.
I’m sure this is what you said to the Juliet, your Juliet
who came before me!”
“Let me prove it to you, Juliet, my Juliet.”
“Alright, I want you to …”
And as the universe breathed in again, light slowed down.
And Juliet’s eyes twinkled
And she smiled.
A star exploded somewhere far away.
The universe couldn’t take the suspense.
“I want your ego-”
Romeo cringed
Juliet continued
“-on a silver platter!”
So Romeo reached into his skull, past
the bone into the soft mish-mash
that was his opinions and ideals and pulled out
wriggling, screaming, threatening to call his lawyer, his ego.
“Here is me ego, Juliet, my Juliet.”
“And what about the platter?”
“Let my hands be your platter.”
“I don’t care for metaphor, Romeo.
You don’t love me.”
The supernova star incinerated whole planets.
“But, darling …”
“Romeo, my Romeo, our love is beautiful but
let us be the best of friends and I shall taunt you
with my body for the rest of your life.”
“But, Darling …”
“See it’s almost like we are married already.
You can’t get in a word edgewise.”
“But you love me. I know you do.”
“And I don’t want to ruin it, Romeo, my Romeo.”
Black holes formed and matter disappeared into it forever.
“I make you happy. You make me happy. You’re the most
important in the world to me. I gave you my ego.
I will never be able to love anyone else as long as
I’m with you.”
“will you at least sleep with me?”
The moon crashed into the earth killing everyone
The universe looked to see if anything more interesting was on.